Fireworks

I can’t be unhappy with what was given to me. I always had everything I needed, and most of what I wanted. I always had good friends and a family who loved me. I was rarely bored. Should I feel that it’s unfair for my life to end at such a young age? Do I have any more right to a life than the next person?

Jesus, I can remember asking myself that question so many times when I first found out. I’m not even twenty, and I have to wonder about whether or not a future version of me would have wasted his life on trivial pursuits.

There were millions of questions. Questions about religious faith, what I had to do before the end, where I would go, whether morals were still important to keep. I can remember, for the first few months, crying every night before I fell asleep. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you can’t find a justifiable target for your anger. You end up just being completely… alone.

Sure, all the important people in my life tried to console me, but there was nothing they could say. None of them went to sleep next to an hour glass whose sand was falling all too quickly to The Other Side. People would come in and cry with me. I loved that. I never felt closer to anyone I knew than when my shirt was soaked with their tears and theirs with mine.

But it still wasn’t enough. Eventually they would leave, no doubt to grieve on their own. It was hard, knowing what I knew- that I was going to die- to keep in mind how hard it was for everyone else. People who I had spent the best parts of my life with were having to watch me fade out from existence.

It had been diagnosed in the spring. Terminal, they told me. It was too large, and had gone unnoticed for too long. They told me Kemo would most likely only speed up the process and possibly offer me a much more unpleasant final few months. They said I had about eight months.

And then they left me. They left me to break the news to my mother. To my father. My sister, my brother, my friends. I was a dead man, and I was walking around inviting people to my funeral! It’s almost comical, thinking back on it.

But I suppose I should go back and answer the earlier question. Do I feel it’s unfair that I should die while the rest of the world lives on? In a way, yes, because there were so many pivotal parts of life that I will never get the chance to experience. But in a much larger way, no, because there were so many things that I did experience.

It’s amazing how much fresher every breath feels when you realize how much is given to you just by being born.

It’s funny though, how long it took me to realize these sort of things. Since I had been diagnosed, I had felt like a firework on the 4th of July; I was climbing higher and higher into the sky, everyone watching me wondering if I would explode before I faded away and fell back to the ground as a lifeless shell.

I wondered sometimes, if maybe I was a dud. I swore bitterly that I hadn’t been given enough time, and that Fate had betrayed me. But one day, my best friends invited me to a quarry on the second unseasonably warm month of Spring. The drive there was long, and I stared out the window in almost total silence watching the road float by. I always wonder why people stare out the window whenever their moving. What is it we’re afraid of missing?

Soon, though, the road coasted into a halt, the parking break went on, the doors opened and the three of us pulled ourselves into the welcoming air. The quarry was in a construction site, and it was illegal to visit, so we had to park at a nearby elementary school and make a short hike to reach out destination. First it was through the baseball diamond of the school, whose grass was that deep green that only appears for the first few weeks during the wettest part of the warm season.

At the end of the field was a line of pine trees that hid a chain link fence. Over the fence was a field of weeds and flowers which we sprinted through in a race. In a moment the Earth gave way to a huge hole in the ground. Red mud raced up to the sky on all sides of the circular pit and met with more grass. Surrounding the flat plain of the area were thick green woods which shut us off from the rest of the world, and left only the great blue sky above to watch us.

Below… Below was the water. The bluest water I had ever seen.

The three of us stood at the edge of the cliff debating who should jump first. I had been terrified of heights my entire life, so the dispute mostly went on between my friends as I looked on silently. And then I suddenly felt my feet move, carrying me forward. The soft grass under my bare feet gave way with surrendering grace to my weight, and the edge of the cliff drew closer until I no longer felt the grass beneath my feet.

The moment in the air lasted a life time. I closed my eyes, and I imagined my firework racing to the sky and finally exploding into a burst of colors. The onlookers pointed up at the sky as their faces glowed purple and red, and their lips were parted in comfortable smiles.

The water caught me like a gentle palm and I spent the next three hours jumping. You should have seen the way that water glowed at sunset.

The following months had nothing as satisfying to offer me. Only more of the same. I had hit my peak, and I knew now that I was only fading away. But every time I wondered all those questions I had originally, that image… that image of those smiling faces- my family, my friends, everyone… it would just come back to me. It’s hard to feel so satisfied.

Even in the final months, through the following winter, when I spent most of my time in bed as my headaches grew progressively worse and worse, I felt strangely comfortable. It was as if I could suddenly feel the Earth spinning beneath my body. As if it were only a ride made for me to enjoy. Maybe that’s what it was- a huge, beautiful ride.

But every day that the ride continued, Fate and Time crept up on me, eventually causing problems that put me into a short coma. I remember my vision blurring from my tears, and then… and then I remember waking up to a white ceiling and doctors huddled over me. Commenting that my eyes were opened. I remember that. I think about that image- of the people smiling and looking up at me, their faces glowing. I felt the corners of my lips turn upward as I realized all those smiles would continue long after I fade away. And then I felt my eyes close.

Amazing, Murcu. I think you've just inspired me to start writing again...I never had the will to finish anything I wrote..but I think I do now.

Whooooa you read that fast!

I'm a good reader, lol, I read books a lot.

Again its well done Murcu but a few things spoiled what was essentially an excellent peice of writing. For example here when you said

Quote :

In a way, yes, because there were so many pivotal parts of life that I will never get the chance to experience.

The thing is that if there 'were' so many pivitol parts of life you are implying that they have already happened but then you go on to say that you will never get a chance to experience them, which implys that you havent experienced anything. So yeah that kinda confused me as its contradictory.

I was baffled why

Quote :

The quarry was in a construction site

Shouldnt that be the other way around? I cant imagine why there would be a construction site with a quarry inside it as quarrys tend to be huge.

I found a grammatical error when you said

Quote :

to reach out destination.

I think 'out' is supposed to be 'our'

And this bit too

Quote :

under my bare feet

You went across a quarry, construction site, went in a car and went over the chain link fence without any shoes on!!! Thats weird lol

Anyway im just nit picking, it was quite good although i feel that your idea of fate is a little distorted in this story.

it was another great story, however, i like the first one better (don't hate me for this)
I don't know why though, this one wasn't bad at all

Thanks for pointing out the errors there Dev. You're right I do need to hit on the taking off of shoes.
However, the quarry really is surrounded by a huge construction site, as its a real place.

Not sure what you mean by Fate being distorted. Please do ellaborate.

I actually prefer this one out of the two, as I was much more sure of which message I wanted to put forward with this one than the last. The again, I suppose the ambiguity can be what makes the other story more appealing.

I think its more down to the fact that in the first story nothing was really going on so it was like poetry reading it through. With this one i had to think a little too much i reckon as the location changes quite alot.

Garrr i guessed as much that this was based on a real place lol. As for the whole fate thing i get kinda touchy when people mention it because im a hardcore Philosopher and obscure concepts like fate can sound childish sometimes, especially when i think its not being used to aid anything other than make something sound nice. I dunno im not having a go at you just explaining that im a weirdo when it comes to stuff like that XD

And yeah i would love to know what you were thinking of when you said you had no shoes lol but im guessing its just thre to help us imagine the grass at his toes etc.

I have a very unique idea of Fate. I see Fate as the path that's best for you. The very tip top you can be is your fate. But you don't have to follow it. It's just the best way to go. Your choice to take the road though.
And to me, Fate, Time, and Death are all intertwined. I see Time as a destructive wrathful force, and Death as an unwilling murderer. I don't know. It's weird, but I like to imagine it all that way.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they're gods, just forces.

Interesting idea

Ah thats probably why i felt like it wasnt been said in the correct way. Everyone is entitled to there own opinion but you should make it clear what your take on it is seeing as everyone would take the classical view of fate while reading. You know fate as the inevitable.

Its strange though because you said that fate and time snuck up on you implying that it wasnt a conscious choice on your part at all. You said that its the tip top you can be but in the story your fated to die, sorry if im getting this all wrong but its not really making sense to me lol. I dont know seeing as your fate is always 'your end' or your 'undoing' its a little strange to say that its "The very tip top you can be is your fate" as its the end of things. Unless your saying that your at your peak before you meet your end.

The thing with fate is that the term actually means something that you cant escape so your pushing it really far when you say "But you don't have to follow it" as thats implying that you can make your own fate and choose how your life is led, which is indeed contradictory. Some people are fated to be run over at the age of 10 for not looking while crossing the road, would you say that "It's just the best way to go"??

Fate, Time and Death are interesting. For me there is no such thing as fate as it causes to many Philosophical and Scientific problems not to mention religious in regards to how can we be judged if our lives are pre-determined?? Its a little unfair to go to hell for eternity for doing something that you couldnt escape from.

I dont see Time as an evil force at all but something that is needed in order for us to have fullfilling lives. If we lived forerver would we savour every minute of our lives? would we enjoy looking at beautiful scenery or making love if we know that its around forever? surely it is better to live and to die then to live a life of endless emotionless existence??

Sorry i got a bit carried away but hopefully you get what i mean XD

Everything is an evil force if you disect it in your mind and look at all of the flaws in it, anger is the path to feeling better, writing is the way to release anger when happiness is not the path. With thoughts comes wisdom, with wisdom comes a more darker perspective on everything. When revenge is complete, life is easier, and wisdom grows stronger. Having a backbone always helps, too.

To have a true look on the world, you can't be running with the bunnies and squirrels and all the other cute forest creatures.

You have to know how to survive, and to survive you must know the ins and outs of everything.

To survive, you must not take the happiest and easiest path, but the path that will lead you to the right place.

I am NOT emo or suicidal. lol

XD did you just write that to confuse everyone Baccy? It made no sense what so ever. What is your reasoning behind it all lol??

Kinda sounded something Yoda would say if he was put in a blender while saying wise sayings backwards

Do you know that your animal is a cock?? It looks like you got the raw end of the deal with that one lol i got a Cat Ohhh yeah

ROFL!

Okay, I'll explain.

I think we are pawns in a game. Time is leading down to something.

We have to figure out what.

Taking the path that is easiest will lure us away from the objective. It will put us out of the game. Taking the easiest path will put us on the sidelines, living a life of love and happiness.

I want to find the objective.

To find the objective, you must take the RIGHT path-- not the easiest.

Make sense?

Death is when time ends.

Death is when you lose the game.

Death only occurs to people who do not find the objective.

Those who do find it die as well, but their spirits live on forever in the winner's circle.

Fate is your lifeline in the game. When you call upon it, it will show you the right path.

When it shows you a bad path, you must figure out why. Until you figure out why fate has chosen a certain path for you, you will suffer.

This is just my philosiphy..I'm weird...and .. yeah.

Interesting but fate is something you cant escape from but you make it sound like a get out of jail free card lol.

Near the start of that account you sounded like a true Christian. Taking the easiest path (the path of sin) isnt how we get to our objective (knowing God), instead we must choose the more difficult one (leading a virtuous life) to know our objective (which is to become godly). Except death isnt when you lose but when you win depending on what path you have chosen. Heaven and Hell are the obvious paths with life as the game.

So yeah nice theory but like i have just showed you, your far from an emo but simply a confused Christian

I bet you love me now XD

you made a nice reply there, devro, might want to use it as a signature?

omg that second to last line just cracked me up

i swear you gotta quote that in your sig..lol

actually i'll do it in mine and i'll put your name

XD okay then but its your theory man im just showing you how similar it is to Christian ideas

Yeah I see what you mean, Devro

So do you thin one day you'll find yourself at a church praying for salvation??

I don't look too far ahead. Whew..

erm whats salvation? xD

*hits himself*

lol accepting Jesus Christ as your saviour and being accepted into the Kingdom of God through confessing your sins XD

Now your making me sound like some kind of religious fanatic, when im really not. I just find religion interesting.

oh...i do go to church, Devro...lol

not every sunday, but usually I do...

More than i do then, i havent been to one in years. I tend to go to Buddhist temples.

okay, i'll have to ask you guys to move to the spam topic, this is not about murcu's story anymore.